remorseful Sunday

today i went to visit my grandmother she in her mid 70's in the old folks home.. i my mind i was doubtful what reaction i will get there.. will my grandma understand why i haven't seen her for so long.. cause i was having my classes.. my mother send her there is not cause she don't love her.. its because my grandmother needs people to take care of her all the time.. my mum is working.. but my mum visits her every week.. just that i didn't.. so i'm feeling kinda fucked up.. 

when i reached.. my grand mother was so happy.. her face just lit up.. at that moment in time i would just cry and said sorry.. but i held back.. it was a moment that i will not forget.. the happiness in an elderly persons eyes.. is the best thing that i have ever seen and felt.. its not hard to fulfill them at all.. they want to be around family.. because maybe it might always be the last time.. 

then i saw another lady.. my grand mothers friend.. you know what is the fucked up part of all for me.. she fucking remembers my name and my brothers name.. and i don't know who is she.. she is 84.. she can remember when is the last time i came clearly as hell.. 

i felt like a dog.. i hope some one would just call me a dog shit.. i am a dog shit.. i am useless..

the little things that they can do to break your heart.. then my grand mother gave me a biscuit and that i liked to eat for years.. that was the point that i cannot stand.. my tears just came out.. my mum maybe was kinda shocked but she too felt what i felt..

it is a different feeling that you get from visiting an orphanage.. i went an orphanage few years back and it was obviously fucked up for me.. the highlight of it was.. a kid came up and ask me.. 'why his dad is not here and took my phone and told me.. my dad has it too..' i just went out and wiped my tears off.. 

back to my grandma.. the aunty keep starting conversations with me.. i am all too happy to chat with her.. whatever she said is 100% respected and absorbed my be.. everything from eating and studies.. she then said.. now, no matter how rich i am.. its no use.. but i can tell you.. she's fucking rich.. then it really made me sit back and think and for that moment in time.. i felt relax.. i felt if i were to get shot the second i will be able to go in peace..

then my grandma started talking about her friends passing away.. that when i saw the peace and fearless-ness in them.. they do not fear death.. they are already ready for it.. fuck.. its us that is unable to let them go.. we are selfish.. 

i then took note of the other people in the home.. they are all very quiet.. sitting on chairs.. doing nothing.. seriously nothing.. not sleeping.. just sitting.. i really want to know what is on their mind.. they also move really slowly.. there is a sense of peace and acceptance that is so deep that we do not feel.. so i got home i tried.. sitting down like that.. i can't do it.. i just can't.. they are what i call the golden age.. 

compare to them i personally feel like a shit.. they are the age that i respect.. the golden age.. they when thru alot of stuff.. japanese occupation.. hardship.. war.. we now what do we know about hardship?.. we only complain about petty things.. all we do best is what?.. how to work a computer?.. 

when i want to leave.. i said a good bye and she told me to come again more often and so did the aunty.. in my heart i told myself.. if i don't come frequently enough she might not be here already.. and i hope if i don't, God will just come down give me a slap so hard.. it will make my ears bleed.. there are so lonely there.. they need company.. i feel like a dog shit.. damn it~!!!.. i'm an ass..